People Don't Change

A lot of people believe that people are not capable of change and that they are the products of their environment. So regardless if they’re fifteen or fifty, they simply don’t change.

I think we are the product of our environment. But if we don’t change, then we are all victims and our actions and thoughts become predictable. People do change. Some do it consciously and others go through circumstances and experiences that make them change. It can be hard work. People change when they believe there’s more to their beings, when they take the time to reflect on right and wrong, on actions and reactions, and when they’re ambitious enough to take the steps they need to improve their lives. Those who advocate the inability to change on the other hand, choose to be victims.

Some very close friends I grew up with reject the change I inevitably acquired. Some even imprisoned me in the hot-blooded teenager I used to be. Some say they know me better than I know myself. Being able to think on my feet and having my tricks up my sleeve did not serve me in situations I needed to take a step back. Being the one who always had to have the final word made me regret those final words. Being confrontational was counter productive. Making decisions while I was emotional, angry, excited did not turn out to be very smart. But those who tell me that they know me better than I know myself, tell me also that I’m itching to respond, to react, to challenge, to defy, to confront, to even be angry.

When I say I am not itching to do any of the things they mention, that I’ve changed, they say no, no one changes. Some even go as far as “You are your father, I am my father, it doesn’t matter how much you deny it, but you are.” They project the similarities they find between themselves and their parents on you, on me. So not only according to them you don’t change, but also you are trapped in continuing your parents’ legacy whether it is something you want to proudly continue, or you don’t care for. So the question is … why work hard on improving one's self at all if people don’t change?

The irony is, when you catch one of those close friends off guard maybe in an intimate moment, and tell them how much you cherish a certain sweet reaction/quality/behavior they had upon growing up, regardless if it was naive, innocent, spontaneous, or whatever else it might have been, they tell you “I don’t do that anymore. I’ve changed!” So, you can change all you want, but I can’t?

Don't tell me what I'm thinking because you don't know what I'm thinking. Don't tell me what I'm itching to do if you don't see me doing it. And forgive me if I disappoint you but I did change. Your memory of who I was did not change and it sounds like it never will. So go find yourself another friend whom you'll imprison in your memory of their past.

العالم ما بتتغير ... فلسفه قصيرة

في أصدقاء بتقلك ما حدا بيتغير. وفي أصدقاء بتسجنك بماضيك وبترفض تشوف التغير بشخصيتك، بتصرفاتك، وبتفكيرك. لا بل بتقلك شوعم بتفكر وكيف عم تشعر بناء على معرفتهم فيك وقت كنت ..... طفل أو مراهق.

وفي عالم بتامن إنو الأنسان هو نتاج بيئته. وأكيد الأنسان نتاج بيئته بس هادا ما بيعني أنه هو ضحيه بيئته إذا هالبيئه ما كانت بيئه سليمه. وطبعا إنو الانسان ما يكون ضحيه لبيئته بيتطلب مجهود وتفكير وتمييز بين الصح والغلط وفي كتير عالم ما عندها مروه تبذل أي مجهود وبتفضل تلعب دور الضحيه لانه أسهل. 

بس الفكرة إنو الواحد بيتغير وما بيبقى المراهق اللي جوابه ع راس لسانه أو الفخور بانه صاحب الكلمه الأخيرة أو الجريء اللي دائما جاهز للتحدي أو الغبي اللي بياخد قرارات بلحظات عاطفيه أو انفعاليه. الأنسان قادر على التعلم والتطور إذا هو بده.

للاسف،  أقرب الناس الك ممكن حتى تقلك إن نحنا مو بس ما متغير، لا بل منكمل مسيرة أهالينا لاننا نسخة عنهم شئنا أم أبينا وبيعكسوا أوجه التشابه اللي بشوفوها بينهم وبين أهاليهم عليك. بس هادا حكي الكسالى اللي ما عندها طموح انها تشتغل وتطور نفسها.

وبلحظة عفويه ممكن   تذكر صديق قريب من هالاصدقاء بطيبه قلبه بموقف إتخذه بالماضي وهو بكل فخر بجاوبك، هادا كان زمان، أنا اتغيرت.  بقى إنت فيك تتغير متل ما بدك وأنا لا؟

ما تقلي شو عم فكر ولا تقلي شو عم أشعر ولا شو عم اغلي لاعمل ولا تقلي انك بتعرفني أكتر مما أنا بعرف نفسي. وبعتذر إذا خيبتك بس أنا اتغيرت.  الشيء الوحيد اللي ما اتغير هو ذكرياتك عن الشخص اللي كنته من ٣٠ سنه وإذا نظرك ما بمد أبعد من هديك الأيام، عفيني من فلسفتك ومن معرفتك العميقة عني وروح دور ع صديق جديد تسجنه بذكريات الماضي. 

My take on Friendship

          Sure, you’ll go through many friendships in your years. Some will last 10 years or more, some will last 10 months or less, but the length of the relationship is not everything. It is the feeling that you are with your own siblings that is worth protecting, cherishing, and rekindling when possible, for those are the friendships that do not often or easily come along.

I have had my share of relationships that lasted years, then ended. Some of those, we grew apart physically, some others, we grew apart emotionally, and in some cases, we grew apart intellectually.

But the struggle is in the feelings, how we yield to them, how we live them, how we tolerate them, question them, survive them, deny them, and how we do not understand them. Our feelings mostly win. We have to be wise beyond our years in dealing with, reacting to, and acknowledging those feelings. We miss, long for, and yearn to lost relationships. However, the one universal mistake most of us make is when we mix up experiencing loss with feeling lonely.

Loneliness is not a healthy incentive to go chasing lost friendships. Loneliness can be felt even with the company of friends when there isn’t any connection. Yet some of us want to be surrounded by people regardless of that connection. If that works for you, and it happens to work for the friend you are connecting with, then it can’t be that bad. But that is not a real relationship. It is doomed to end and restart over and over since its foundation is based on "better have someone's company than being alone." And believe me, a lot of times it is better being alone than having the company of people you think of as friends who do not treat you well or respect you and your individuality, or take advantage of you and your generosity.

Experiencing loss is hard. You have to be strong to go through it and survive it. You cannot hide from it or deny it, because it will come back and haunt you if you do. Experiencing loss is worth investigating. That friendship had something very special that its absence created void in your life; a void that has nothing to do with feeling lonely. That friendship nurtured you, gave you more depth, different dimension, unique color, self-worth, comfort, and a certain kind of satisfaction that you are unable to put into words. It gave you purpose, a reason to smile, to continue, to be a better person, to nourish, to contribute, to listen, to share, to give, and when you give, you feel love.

Loss is definitely an incentive to make an effort to rekindle certain relationships. However, for that loss to be dealt with in a healthy way, it has to be felt on both ends and it has to have closure. Speak up, connect, tell them how you feel, tell them what your intention is, and find a way to go past whatever caused that friendship to end. Life’s too short to live it alone when you are able to go past certain issues and you know that the other person you miss, is probably missing you too. Work it out.

Many of my previous friends booked a special place in my heart and I cherish their memories. They had a positive role in my life, and that role was fulfilled, so it was time to move on. And although I miss them and I would love to see them and hang out with them again, I just don't feel a loss without them. But there are only a few, a very selected few, that the loss of their presence in my life weighs down on me. Those were my true friends and I am blessed to still have some friends in my life that I learned from my past relationships to work out past any and all issues and focus on what really matters; our friendship.