Deformed by Society

I want nothing from you! can you please leave me alone?

I sound passive and you don’t like it, I’m weak and you don’t like it, but you’ve never been in my shoes to understand why I act the way I do.

I was never able to meet the standards of your society, so I shy away as quiet as I can.

I have never been able to satisfy my basic instincts so I learned to compromise and to keep to myself

I had no choice but to develop a thick skin to protect my heart, yet, it still hurts every day.

I hide in my shell. I’m not a coward, but I have never won so I stopped fighting. I had to create my own world just to survive.

I plan to get my needs met in one or two public appearances a month, and despite of all my efforts not to make eye contact with people, I have no choice but to in certain situations. And it still hurts every time I see those eyes wide open looking back at me with disbelief. You would think I got used to them by now, but I have not. I won’t ever be able to feel "Nothing" with those looks unless I kill my feelings. But I’m human, even though so many of you don’t think I am.

I try to forget that I’m different, but you, looking at me that way, keeps on reminding me. And those looks are all kind of looks except the one I need, they’re pity, sorry, sympathy, disbelief, and sometimes looks of disgust. It still hurts.

I want to go home, do my work, sit down and read. Yes I’m alone and I’m lonely, I read about love in books and I think I watch it happens on TV, And I did accept the fact that I won’t be ever loved. I admit that I don’t know what a love hug feels like, because even as a kid I never had that privilege.

They say if you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to love others. I say, how can I possibly love myself when you have kicked me out of your family, pushed me away from your school, fired me from your company, chased me out of your social circle, prevented me from walking down your street? How can I love myself when you made fun of me, when you mocked me, when you hit me and teased me, when you said I’m the ugliest thing you have ever seen, when you compared me to the devil, when you said that I must be evil to look like that. How can I possibly love myself after all the bullying you did?

But I don’t hate you. I say, you have every right to look down on me and to not want to be bothered with me being around. I don’t hate you, and I don’t love you either, I just want to be left alone, I got used to my life-style, that is having no style at all. Just being by myself reading my books and doing my thing. Just leave me alone.

I apologized so many times to you, to your wife, to your children, to your friends, to your co-workers, I apologize still and I realize it’s not about something I have done, but since I take the blame anyway, I’m sorry for ............................... for being deformed. I was born that way. I will never understand why. But I want nothing from you, ignore me for heaven's sake, pretend I don't exit.

Once upon a time I dreamed that you smiled to me. It felt good, it felt warm, that's all I might ask for, and I know it's not impossible, and I know you're capable of it, I just don't know why you don't do it.

But for now, and until that happens, if it is meant to happen, if you find it in your heart, I really want nothing, I'm happy to be left alone.................... to be, whatever it is I want to be, in between my lonely four walls, my prison, my home.

Mom Learning English (1)

My mother is making every attempt to learn English, she's studying hard, watching TV, writing down the lyrics of her favorite English songs and memorizing lots and lots of vocabulary so she can communicate with people on her own. She's already using the bus system, learned how to go to stores to purchase whatever our apartment needs, learned to look for items and ask short questions to use for example when she's trying to get the right size of a blouse she likes. In a Grocery store, she's able to have basic communication like asking for "cheese", her version would be something like "cheese?" or if she's in the mood to impress herself, it would be "Excuse me mister, where is cheese?" and to make it fancy, it would be something like "I am looking for cheese today". I love how courageous Mom is in exploring things on her own, the only problem is when those people answer her, the expectations are always holding her hand and taking her to the Aisle where the cheese is, but the frustration comes when they tell her to go to Aisle 8 and it would be somewhere in the middle on the left hand side, even worse, when she's being asked "What kind of cheese, or what is she going to use it for" God damn it, why! how many kinds of cheese (cheeses, like fishes) do you guys have, it's either white or yellow, and what kind of a dumb question is "what for?", of course we're gonna use it for eating. So communication is in progress..... from one end, learning how to listen and understand what is being said to her, well, that's another story.

What Mom is going through, takes me to the year 2000, when I first arrived to the US and started talking to people, I had no problem expressing myself whatsoever, the problem I had was understanding what was being said to me. I could totally relate to Mom's frustration since I went through it myself, and mind you, my background is English Literature, so I really had no excuse, yet I feel her disappointment when she can't get what's being said to her, and when she figures it out, she's a hero (okay fine, she's a heroine).

When I'm around, Mom feels more confident, she tries, but in the back of her head she feels that, worse comes to worse, I'll jump to the rescue. So I hear her one sentence having English, Spanish, French and some Arabic too. It cracks me up, but I keep a straight face and teach her the proper way of what she was trying to express, and sometimes believe me, I myself don't understand the UN phrase she utters, so I can only imagine the reaction of that clerk trying to help her. But at this stage, I don't expect much from mom other than surviving, and guess what! with all those languages in her one simple sentence, adding the sign language and the tone of her voice, somehow... it works. 

My friend Yvonne wanted to come visit her to say hello, I was teaching so I called her and told her that I'm running late, but I wanted her to go ahead and visit with mom. I wanted them to spend a little time on their own. When I came back, and I swear I have tears in my eyes typing this, Yvonne (who does not speak Arabic) told me that Mom said to her that she's grateful for all the help she's extended when my dad was in his final battle with Cancer, for sending the medicine, the books, and most of all, for being there for her son. I got emotional when Yvonne related that message to me. She even went ahead and told Yvonne who loves Potatoes the most, that she's cooking lunch for us, and it has Potatoes. I don't know what kind of language they used, I don't care to know, I'm happy that mom expressed herself and got her message across.

I hear a lot of funny phrases from Mom, yesterday as we were playing cards, she said "You and I just" wanting to say "just the two of us" she is still trying to learn "That's it" and boy, if you only hear how that comes out. The other day I was teaching Arabic to two girls at my place, mom was sitting around reading, I asked them to talk to her in Arabic using what I taught them, then I asked her to correct their mistakes,  but to communicate with them in English. Then we switched roles, her sentence to them was "I want my son buy home, no more invoice" and they understood that she was trying to say "I want my son to buy a house, and have less bills". It was fun going back and forth and listening to the approach of people learning a second language and putting their culture in it. Little does mom know that when I buy a house, the bills are going to flow just as much (if not more).

In banking Mom is still struggling using her debit card, and I totally excuse her for that. Being scared initially of putting the card all the way to the end when she slides it, is something she already overcame, but it's those endless options the machine displays at point of sales, is her fear. She imagines that if she makes a mistake the machine is going to explode, or the bank account will vanish. Sometimes it asks her if it's debit or credit, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it asks her to enter her PIN, sometimes to sign, other times it offers cash back, and then asks for a confirmation if the amount is correct. This is all confusing to her, mainly because they did not invent a machine that works the same way in all stores. And mom being so disciplined, she's going to invent that machine one day to make it easy on immigrants her age.

Mom came back home yesterday from Sears, she was very happy. She bought some clothes, tried them on, switched the size to fit. Got a good deal going. When she came home she told me that she went to the female cashier because she was embarrassed to deal with the male cashier (go figure). She said that the woman talked with her a few minutes telling her about some paper, mom nodded her head, paid for the items and left the store not understanding a single word that woman said to her. But buying those items on her own made up for what she didn't understand. In her eyes, mission accomplished, why bother with the little things. Looking at the bigger picture, I agree with Mom. Things will take time, it's a process, learning a different language, adapting to a different culture, being courageous and putting herself out there is all that matters. I'm proud of her, she's definitely a go getter. You Go Girl...

Reality

His friend told him about her dream of getting a job, asking her parents to stop sending her money and completing her education on her own to feel independent. He asked her "why?" and I had to ask him "why not!"

He said that realistically she'll be done with her education, which wouldn't matter anyway because then she'll get married. Added, why have a dream out of your realm, a dream that is illusional and not realistic. I said because it's called a dream, a dream can always start somewhere and either go nowhere or go somewhere. We argued, I insisted that there was nothing wrong with his friend's wish, he insisted that she was just talking to impress him.


I had to bring up the possibility that maybe she wanted to impress herself, not him, maybe she wanted to feel that she's in control of her life, that she's writing her destiny. Then I thought of his "Realistic" word.


I wonder if all those celebrities (and by celebrities I don't mean only the entertainment domain, but in business, sports and politics as well), wondered if their dream should adapt to reality, would they be where they are today?

So what is reality? if you have a dream, should it be realistic? There are way too many inspiring stories out there about people who had a dream, shared it with the world, got mocked and ridiculed, insulted too. But they protected it, believed in it and never gave up on making it come true.

As I was listening to him talking about his friend, I couldn't help but think of John Mayer's song No Such Thing where he sings "I just found out there's not such thing as the real world, it's just a lie you've got to rise above".

I wish I could meet his friend to tell her, "Dream, and believe in yourself, dream for yourself, not for people. And if dreams have to be in accordance to certain limitations, then dreams are killed before they were born".

Just because

Just because I didn’t write about love yet
Doesn’t mean I have never been in love before
I remember and I don’t think I can ever forget
How I felt when I fell in love, arriving at life's core

But I guess it’s easier to capture sad moments in words
It’s always easier to write about sadness than love
So forgive my poetic failure towards a four letter word
for when it comes to love I don’t think words are enough

Just because I didn’t sing a love song yet
Doesn’t mean I have been saving my vocal chords
Though my feelings for you have a different outlet
My singing career is open for more to explore

I have sung about heartbreaks, about separation
About missing you and how much it hurts
but my master piece is still in creation
My religion is love, that'll make the world convert

So patience my beloved for I know not
how to yet articulate my love in artistic ways
My actions express the love I got
I love you and I mean every word in this phrase

For when I write and sing about love it won't
sound like anything you've heard before
It will put you in a trance, you'll be simply stoned
and once you hear it, read it, you'll ask for more….

Customer Service

here's the spelling of my name Sir
here's the business card of my manager
feel free to file a complaint Sir
Tell them Tony would not put up with my Anger

Hey hey, It's not about the business anymore
though you made it clear up front, nothing personal
well back at you sir, now look towards the door
don't let it hit you or let it, sir it's your call

I don't know what makes you think it's alright
to voice your opinions with such disgrace
I don't know what makes you think it's Okay
to show disrespect and act like you own this place
I don't believe "the customer is always right"
There you are, say no more, I rest my case
don't care how high you can reach, but sir if I may
Give it your best shot, worse people were once in your place


It's  R A B B A T I'm no rabbit ma'am
What business have you anyway in my background
What's your title what you own, lady no one gives a damn
And your opinion always sounds so irrelevant

So you have a bad hair day but it's not okay
To take it all out on me as if I were your hairdresser
And then threaten to take your business away
Let me help you, cos of the two evils I'd choose the lesser

I don't know what makes you think it's alright
to voice your opinions with such disgrace
I don't know what makes you think it's Okay
to show disrespect and act like you own this place
I don't believe "the customer is always right"
There you are, say no more, I rest my case
I don't care how high you can reach, but ma'am if I may
Give it your best shot, I got no problem saying it to your face

This is the story of a corporation
that only cares about being politically correct        
The story of a sex beast that takes pride
In being erect and going after every object
They only know popping up more widgets
To add more to their greedy sales project
And here's my apology for being direct
I won't put up with anymore of this bullshit

I don't know what makes you think it's alright
to voice your opinion with such superiority
I don't know what makes you think it's Okay
to disrespect me and act like you own my dignity
I don't believe your customer has always been right
I proved it wrong, and before long it will be a decree
I don't care how you run your business today
find someone else to run your sales, I'm not your shopping spree

Projection, jealousy and other vices

Isn't it true that we can't stand in people what we fear the most in ourselves?

He asked me how my Easter day was, it was good, really good. I told him how I started the day on the phone with a mutual friend of ours who lives overseas, and how we chatted for almost an hour. He immediately asked “why! Are you going to visit him or something?” I answered “No, it’s been a while since we talked, and he always takes initiative in calling, so I wanted to call this time” He asked again “So you talked with him for an hour but you don’t have plans to go visit” I said “No, I have absolutely no plans to go visit him, are you insinuating that I would only call people if I have the intention to visit?” I didn’t care for the direction of that conversation based on a previous experience with that particular “friend”, I told him that I was getting an important phone call that I needed to take to get off the phone. Only then, it hit me, a few years back he would not return any of my phone calls or emails, and six months later he called me saying that he wanted to catch up, as the conversation interestingly unfolded, it turned out that he had a trip to make to LA and was wondering if he could crash on my couch.

When I got that new job he asked me what was it exactly that they saw in me, and I answered innocently (or should I say naively) without attaching any meaning to his question. After seeing the company I started working for, he said jokingly "they must be blind to have hired you". I wasn't surprised by his comment at that point in our relationship, or the lack of it, so I said "Well, I hope they remain blind then, because I love my job". I'm going to put this as simple as I possibly can, if the situation was reversed, I would have said "Well, you have earned it, you definitely deserve it, and they're lucky to have you".

I don't want anyone to take away from me the sunshine. I don't want to react in the same low level I was reacted to, so I say "Smile and keep your head held high, just realize it when people project their resentment on you, and when they do, don't lose your cool, don't lose yourself and what you believe in because if you do, it won't be their comment or behavior that's going to bother you, it will be your own reaction. So forgive, ignore, let go. And when closure after closure doesn't work, just distant yourself from all that negative energy if that's possible, because at that point, it shouldn't matter if they get it or not".

I'm a Believer

I'm a Believer

Do I need to be someone who stands 

in front of the crowd raising his hands

praying praising god aloud

feeling righteous, superior and proud

Do I have to kneel down and pray

and show my gratitude many times a day

and visit that pure holy place

to earn forgiveness for my mistakes

And do I have to belong?

isn't it enough to know right from wrong?

I'm a believer 

not in guilt nor in cult or any kind of bait

I'm a believer

Religion should not spread indirect hate

I believe in love

I believe in mercy

in forgiveness

in simplicity

I believe in life

and what it offers

I believe in love

and in lovers

But keep me away from your religion

Allow me to make my own decision

Do I have the right to manipulate peace

and spread terror to fight terrorists

can I decide that it's war

and forget what I was fighting for

and in the name of purifying earth

millions die for billions worth

slavery exists even worse today

be politically correct in what you say

Do I have to be strong?

Isn't it enough to know right from wrong?

I'm a believer

And I'm neither democrat nor republican

I'm a believer

not in leaders but in the strength of the common man

I believe in freedom 

when it's not abused

in people's right 

to elect and choose

I believe in earth

not in countries

in a universal home

with no boundaries

keep me away from politics

I'm too clean to mess with

And hand in hand we stand united

and diversity is welcomed and invited

so be yourself, be black be white

muslim, jewish, gay or straight who's to say what's right

but if you impose your beliefs on me

I have the right to disagree, why judge me? 

for I'm a believer

I believe in equal opportunity

I'm a believer

my religion is called humanity